- Lindsay: I hate newscasters. They keep interrupting my stories to tell me it's hot.
- Lindsay: When life hands you teens, don't touch them or you'll go to jail.
- Pixie (via Lindsay): It's like a fucking sauna in there! Just put some wood chips in it and be done!
- Dan: You've entered four pounds of beet burgers. There is no food in the oven.
(his impersonation of my parents' malfunctioning convection oven)
- Sara: I love toaster ovens but I just feel like toasters are up to something.
- Sara: Don't give me your penguin smack!
- Lindsay: You look funny.
Kim: So does yer m-
- Lindsay: Apparently I don't stare at your chest enough.
Courtney: That makes you an army of one.
- Courtney: How about instead of driving through her vibrato, I just pull over to the side and die?
(on the Into the Woods drinking game we invented)
- Lindsay: He bent me over, took a pole, lit it on fire, and shoved it up my ass.
- Lindsay: I want to go on a tour bus and point at everything saying "It's the Empire State Building!"
- Kim: I am like a sieve, so I'm constantly forgetting my fabulousness.
- Courtney: She actually doesn't like it when you pay attention to her. That gets you bitten.
(about her cat, Darcy)